If 666 is the mark of the Anti-Christ, what is 550.1.1?  Why, it’s the identifying number of just another error code that bedevils computer users.  Taken in their totality, these codes comprise what I refer to as the Microsoft Syndrome.

Recently, I decided to update my e-mail by switching to Outlook Express.  This move eliminated the need to go to a specific web page to sign in; moreover, it enabled me to read my mail by clicking on the Outlook Express icon right there on my desktop.

Everything was fine with Outlook Express, until I added a new contact with an aol.com address, and that’s when I stopped enjoying sending my emails.  You see, I am the type of person that likes to resolve my own problems with or without help.

My first untoward encounter occurred when I sent my friend Ralph an e-mail message.  My server informed me that the message was undeliverable, due to error code 550.1.1.  This caused me to have concerns about my server.  Had I gotten a cheap version of Outlook Express, or was it some other computer glitch that denied the transmission of my email? After, all Microsoft is a pioneer in the industry.  According to Bill Gates, I’d venture to say that it’s the Cadillac of computer systems.  Yet, I felt short changed.  Did I get a lemon?

Having said that, and going one step further, I called my ISP to resolve the problem.  I spoke with a person named Joe in the tech support department.  Joe told me that it was a relay problem, but he did not know how to correct it.  So, he suggested that I contact Microsoft directly for the secret solution.

Now the plot thickens.  It is very difficult to get a simple answer from the pioneer of the industry.  In fact, while visiting Microsoft’s help site, I found that I wasn’t alone in trying to address error 550.1.1.  I could not count how many people that had the same problem with the Cadillac of the industry; it looked like millions! Getting free information from the site was out of the question.

Pursuing the problem, I entered the error code 550.1.1 into a search engine.  I discovered that many sites address the situation for a fee, and guaranteed a permanent fix. But, my Scottish ancestry got offended at the thought of paying real money to uncheck a box in my software.  Like the man in the Vonage advertisement says, “I don’t waste anything, especially my money!”

By now, I was completely frustrated. I was learning the hard way that the Internet is infested with Capitalistic ideology.  Owning a computer is a luxury when it comes to repairs, and it appears that things were designed that way.  First, they introduce you to technology.  Once you are hooked, you have got to pay.  Maybe this is the wave of the future.  But, it also can be a boon to the business of psychiatrists, who may attempt to unravel the error syndromes of computer addicts.

In searching for the answer to my problem, I have learned what all the titles of the e-mail stand for.   They start with Internet Service Provider (ISP) and go to Simple Mail Transfer Protocol (SMTP). But after that, it’s all Searching Host Inquiry Topics (SHIT, to me).

In all of my experience, in times of war and times of peace, I have never been more frustrated in trying to resolve a problem. Whether it is Microsoft, aol.com or Comcast, the only way to resolve this problem is with money.  Whether it’s dollars, pesos, francs, pounds or deutschmarks, it’s all the same.  It all comes down to money.

In becoming an addict to this machine, I have noticed, from time to time, error messages politely informing me, “The program has encountered a problem and must shutdown.”  But, before it shuts down, I have to make the decision as to whether or not to send this free information to Microsoft in order to fix their software problems.  Supposedly, by sending an error report, I will receive future updates to resolve the problem with my software.  If this is true, then why are millions of PC users still waiting for an update on error code 550.1.1?

The answer to that question is — you guessed it! — MONEY!  These error messages are not generated by magic. They are programmed into the software, lying in wait like a hungry cat to pounce upon you.   If you have been the victim of such messages, have you ever noticed that once you shut your system down and then reboot it, the problem goes away?  Think about it!

Now that we’re on the topic of computers and money, have you ever considered the cost of running your computer, aside from the obvious cost of electricity?  There are modem rental Internet fees, anti-virus packages, add-ons for peripheral equipment, cables, and the cost of updating your operating system with the latest software releases.

In my travels and travails, I also found a site that mentioned something noteworthy about this subject.  It stated that people that use yahoo or gmail do not have these error problems.

Cut off from my friend Ralph via error code 550.1.1, I finally reached him the old fashioned way: by telephone.  I expressed my regrets in trying to reach him, and after a long talk about how expensive it is to use e-mail, he said, “I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t cost me a dime for my Internet service.”  Quizzically, I asked him how he had accomplished that feat.  He informed that he does not own a computer, and yet, he has found a way to have everything I have at no expense to him.

Well, you could have floored me with that remark.  I asked, “Ralph, what’s the secret?”  And then, he told me this fascinating story.

He said that, in his travels, he had noticed that many hotels, motels, and libraries offer free Internet service — so, he uses their equipment.  He sets up his documents and uses their servers for Internet connections.  If the computer crashes, the establishment fixes the problem and even restores his lost files.  All of the costs for these services are picked up by the establishment.

He also mentioned that, on one of his visits, he met a widow from Texas.  After their computer session, they had a cocktail in the bar of the establishment. During their conversation, which was about computer technology, she said, “I love the internet, because I can communicate with people all over this world.”  At that, Ralph interjected, “I would like to visit India.”  Without hesitation, she invited him to spend the night.

I now call him Lucky .